Procrastination is only the Beginning......

Dear No One

this is an incredibly fantastic song done by one Tori Kelly. Check her out on youtube. Musically its somewhat sappy but hopeful. I like it. its moody music. Which is what I felt like on the train ride home tonight. Don’t get me wrong, my whole day was actually good. But on the train ride home I just kind of felt… alone.

The day started off with me meeting my high school friends to watch the new Avengers film. I got to say it is absolutely amazing. A good blend of action, seriousness and humour makes for an incredibly entertaining film. After the film we just had lunch in the food court before we all headed off in our separate directions. 

I headed to the city and then proceeded to head to work to check out my roster. Luckily it all fit well into my plans for next week. I then just spent some time talking to people i saw around work before heading off to meet up with Tom to grab a snack before Upstaged. 

Upstaged was so great. watching people perform, and being surrounded by people I could just hang around. But after a while Tommy left and somehow I ended up by myself in the entire row. I guess i should have recognised the subtle hints. AFter the show everyone was heading in different directions. I ended up just following people until one by one they all went their separate ways until i was by myself. And with no one else around and no idea what to do I just decided to head on home. I could have tried to find people to do stuff with but I don’t know… I guess I’ve tried far too much to try and fit in to somewhere that I actually just don’t fit anywhere at all. And so the train ride home just made me feel even more lonely. Seeing all these different groups and crews and couples have their own thing and then there’s me. I don’t know if it’s because I dont fit in to places, or there’s just too many groups, or the world just wants to work against me. I just wish i felt like i belong somewhere..

The future in fallen hands

I was on the train home last night and just snoozing a little bit when these kids got on the train and sat around me. They ended up mistaking me for another friend of theirs because i had put my hoody up. They then proceeded to talk to me asking me things like what school i went to, how old I was, what i did and the like which i was fine answering since they were harmless questions and since they surrounded me it was best not to aggravate them. I eventually found out that they were 15 year olds, who went around smoking weed, drinking, getting in to antics with the police, all of this which they considered a “good time” and “enjoying life” I guess for them that seems to be a valid reason to enjoy life but I dont see why they start so young. Cant they find something more constructive and beneficial to do, like sports, or movies or music or dance? And why would they smoke weed. its not beneficial to you in any way…If this is what our future’s hands are in, then we may all be doomed. 

Something I also noticed, they all seemed to have some form of smart phone. The majority of them iphones. My thoughts do not take long to wonder if they were stolen or not. I also wonder whether they talked about me when i left. odds are they did, and about my life choices, like not to smoke or drink. I bet they think im a poofter or loser or something. But those are my life choices. And i believe i am much better off with my decisions. 

I cant help but wonder whether or not having the short conversation with me i left an impression on them and that they get back on to the right track…

I know exactly what I want and what I want to do… The only question is how am I going to get there…

wistful thinking

I’ve always loved singapore. The food, the people, the location. i guess the only thing thats not so grand is the weather but it’s survivable I guess. And it has the most amazing things, like the singaporean grand prix, the mens fashion week at marina sands, and two of my favourite artists, JJ Lin and By2! The desire to live and work there is constantly on my mind. The only question is how do i get there…. I had this idea that I could get a job at apple then when they make a store there, i’d figure a way to get myself transferred there. But since Apple doesnt want to seem to hire me and I don’t think they have a store there just yet that dream is far more distant than I wish it were…. 

They always say that the best ideas comes to those in the bath.

Much to popular belief, i had a splendid idea while I was in the shower the other day. I have come up with the best idea for my best friends birthday next year. I know that she wants to learn how to play the guitar eventually, so I thought why not get a good small guitar, then get everyone to sign the guitar, and have a surprise bbq, which also is a 5 year reunion BBQ for everyone from uni. its not a bad idea. I realised though that someone else has already been given a guitar at a BBQ for their birthday… So the idea is kind of moot. But hopefully it’s still doable next year. the only problem is that her birthday is not for another 11 months…. so its quite possible that she’ll end up getting a guitar between now and then which ultimately means i need to find a new present idea… 

Sliding Doors

I recently watched an episode of a tv series called Awake, in which a man lives in two alternate realities. In this episode there is a woman who had a tragic event happen to her when she was younger. In one world that event forever became a crutch to her and she spiralled down into oblivion before finally murdering someone. In the other reality she managed to overcome the hole she had dug herself into and moved on with her life (granted she had a little bit of help from other people). Everyone has their own way of coping for stuff. But at this point in time I can either continue to wallow in my depressed state or try and move out of my hole, and take each step at a time.

Alfred once said “why do we fall down master Bruce? So that we may better learn to pick ourselves up.” It is an apt quote to use right now. So I must gather the strength to pick myself up, find the courage and positiveness and focus on the here and now, what needs to be done. No more wallowing. I can overcome this. one step at a time. I have to look at the brighter side of tomorrow, and know that tomorrow will always be a new day. Start afresh. Be more positive. 

My Father used to say that “Whatever I touched, i destroyed”

I guess he was right about that. Things are falling apart at every possible seam imaginable. I’ve lost friends, connections, social skills, job opportunities, future directions, motivation at uni, motivation in life. There is literally nothing positive in my life that i can entirely focus on… I have the capacity to mentally function normally, such as go to work, serve customers with a smile, but its a hollow feeling. I work for the sake of making money. To save for a rainy day. And even with the amount that I’ve saved up so far, to waste it on ridiculous purchases is only setting myself up for paramount destruction. There isnt really anything that money can buy which would bring me happiness right now anyways. 

The fact remains: I’ve screwed up. I’ve screwed up with friends, with family, with uni, with work. and now my entire future is probably in even worse shape then before.. I pretty much spent the day lying in bed staring at the sky, thinking about how much i’ve screwed up, who i’ve managed to screw up my relationships with and how. I mean if a friend ends up hiding the truth from you about them seeing someone you know, then that goes to show that I’ve done something wrong. And it’s not that hard to put the pieces together. But the fact that they weren’t willing to tell me just makes it more obvious that I am not really worth people’s time